Where Does the Love Go?
by Kristin Hicks
January 2004
For years I convinced myself that I was unsure if I wanted children. The irony is that as a child, I was obsessed with dolls and was certain they were alive. As a six-year-old girl, I talked constantly about being a mommy someday to six, eight, ten babies!
Twenty years later, I married a beautiful man and was a "mommy" to two animals: the sweetest yellow Lab and the most spirited kitty cat. I learned over several years that I had remarkable nurturing instincts. In great part, I credit my marriage and my love of animals with helping me decide that I would raise great kids.
After nearly two years of trying, lots of needles and bloodwork, probing questions about our sex life, and ultimately, fertility treatments, I became pregnant. I was ready. It was time.
In the moment of conception, my husband and I created a being from the energy of our love for each other. When I miscarried at twelve and a half weeks, only the physical form of the baby died; the love that we created did not die. Instead, some of that love was aborbed into us and sustained us during that terribly sad week. The rest of that love was sent back into the universe in another spirit form: perhaps in another baby, or in a little puppy, or into the heart of someone who needed to feel loved that week. That love was my gift to the world.
I am fortunate to see, after only a week has passed, the tremendous lessons in this loss. 1.)I became closer to a family I have been distant with for years. 2.)I feel overwhelming love for and from my husband. 3.)I was touched by all the support and kind words we received from those who care. 4.) I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
The great psychiatrist Albert Ellis, who pioneered rational therapy, believes that you upset yourself about the events that happen in your life. In other words, you have a choice. Be strong, learn the lessons, and accept what has happened. That is the path I chose, and it has helped me heal. If you are reading this, I wish the same for you.
Comments: I am a 34-year-old freelance copy editor living in Atlanta, Georgia, with apsirations to return someday to my home, San Diego. My passions are reading, cooking, and supporting animal rights.
I am married to an amazing man, Geoff, without whom I would not be the strong woman I am. Geoff is a pilot and his passions are running and procrastinating (sorry, babe, couldn't resist the humor).
We laugh often, which keeps us young and healthy.
Blessings to all of you who read this reflection.
You may reach Kristin at ktbh@aol.com for comments.
© January 2004 by Kristin Hicks. The author of this work has given full permission for its distribution, electronic or otherwise, as long as the entire work is presented in full, the author information from the bottom of the work is retained, and this copyright and permission is retained.
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