My Little One
Christina Gourley
March 2005
When I first found out I could see the sky,
it opened up as if I could fly.
It was fate that you were sent to me,
your the closest ro heaven that I will ever be.
Every night I see you in my dreams,
sometimes too good to be true it seems.
I know all of this will sound so crazy,
but I really need you baby, so please dont leave me.
I wait and I pray for that special day,
they sent me an angel and I hope that you'll stay.
I've always wanted you to come along,
we have a love, and our love is so strong.
No one knows the bond that we share,
nothing will destroy us, not a scratch or a tear.
I love you so much, your my little one,
now from both sides I'm feeling the warmth of the sun.
Comments: I'm 17 and in a few months will be 18, I hadn't planned on getting pregnant, but when I took that test and it came up positive, I was filled with so much joy and happiness. For as long as I can remember, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say a mother, so this was a true blessing, the biggest and best gift I could ever receive. I wasn't very far along - only a few weeks, and one day I started to spot. A few days later, I had heavy bleeding with painful cramps.
I was told by many that I was probably having a miscarriage, and my heart just dropped, I couldn't believe it. For a few days, I held on to my hope that my little one would still be there, even after the moment I passed some clot looking material, which I knew if I had lost it then, that was in fact it.
A few days later I went to the doctor's where I received the news that my hormone level was dropping, and I did in fact have a miscarriage. My heart just broke into a million little pieces. I was so sad, I cried and cried, and when I wasn't crying I was filled with misery. I was constantly getting angry, still am, angry at myself, at god, at the people around me, the people that I love most. I still have moments throughout every day where I feel so guilty, like its all my fault. I can't help but think Im to blame for this, that I caused this. I think "why me, why did this happen to me," feel like it's my fault because I wasn't eating healthier or didn't take my vitamin every day. I wonder "why was I chosen to have a miscarriage," "why was my baby selected to be taken away."
I keep thinking about every thing I'm going to miss. I'm never going to hold this child, never going to see this baby, never going to deliver this baby. I'm never going to carry this child for 9 months, none of this will happen for me and my first pregnancy. I never found out whether it would have been a boy or girl, and I never got to hear my baby's heartbeat. Maybe it would have been harder if I heard the beating of its heart, but either way, it is the worst pain any woman could ever feel. I have this huge void in me, a part of me just feels broken and even if I get pregnant again, that void will never be fixed. I'm always going to have that emptyiness that can never be filled, because unlike losing a boyfriend, this is one heartbreak a woman can never truly get over, one void that can never truly be filled, one love that will always be lost.
You may reach Christina at dd49230@aol.com for comments.
© March 2005 by Christina Gourley. This work is protected by copyright and may be distributed or published only with the express written permission from its author. You may, without permission, publish or otherwise provide the URL (web address) of this page.
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