My Little Angel
Mary Ellen Mannix with Grace Mannix
January 2003


In Memory of our Sweet Baby James
James Matthew Mannix


Dedicated to all the Big Sisters and Big Brothers of Angels Everywhere


PREFACE
I have a baby brother
He's kind of hard to see
No other four year old can find him
You'll have to look with me.


As soon as I was told, my excitement left the ground!
I can't wait to play "Hide and Seek"
               and show the baby all around!
Mom was happy too. She grinned from ear to ear.
"I promise Mom. I will be the best big sister here!

So when will Baby come? How long must I wait?
Can I play first? My friend is waiting at the front gate.
"Yes, you may play. Baby is not coming that soon.
We will talk about 'when' during our lunch at noon."

While time passed and mom's lap grew smaller
I watched and I planned
My imagination would not falter!
How grand this will be!
How amazing this is true!
Not just a friend - but a brother...
It will always be "Us two."

Things began to change - especially in my room.
My clothes were there, my toys and my bed.
But now Mom added baby blue.
A crib, some diapers, tiny socks, gentle shampoo
Together, we lined things up on baby's bureau.

"When Baby arrives will you still help?"
"Oh yes! But, no dirty diapers!
I would like to give Baby a bath
Hold Baby, Feed Baby, and make some bubbles.
But I will stay clear of any rear-end troubles!"

So, then we were ready
On the couch I would sit, pressing Mom's belly
And singing a song that sure sounded silly
I'd leave my hand there and without much ado
Before we knew it- Baby would push back too!

That morning I woke up, Mom was already packed
Aunt Susie was here and Daddy a wreck!
A bowl of oatmeal Mom made me
Then kissed me goodbye.
The next time I see you. To the baby you can say "hi"!

All the way through school I couldn't sit still
Having a new baby in my family was such a big thrill
Slowly the day passed. There was not much I could do
A boy.. but maybe a girl.....
I would just have to wait to be told by Aunt Sue

As we came in from school
much ringing we heard
We picked up the phone.
I heard, "It's a boy! It's a Boy!" as I held the receiver
It was clearly my mom, I couldn't believe her!

Our family together - everyone was so proud
So much to do, so much to smile about
We bought a new stuffed animal
Baby was here. He made it and was fine
Did you know, when I am 13, my baby brother will be 9?

I saw my brother. Really, I did.
Tiny fingers. Little toes. He even had some hair.
He was just so cute.
He looked at me. I looked at him.
The nurses said we looked alike to them.

His hospital bed was way up high.
And this brand new baby's eyes were open wide.
I was even liked hearing him cry.
Dad picked me up and held me as long as he could
Then the doctor's said they would make him better - they would.

There had been no mention of wires.
There was never a discussion of tubes.
Yet all around him these things were used.
I wanted to hold him. I wanted to feed him.
But even the stuffed bear I brought was kept away by them.

How about we just bring our baby home.

His new toys are there.
His socks, bed, and baby bath.
I have some books. I could share my special cup.
Mom looks so scared, how long will this last?
I know at home he would get better fast!

Finally one day, Mom and Dad came home from there
I didn't see my brother in the car seat or anywhere.
Now they both looked so sad.
"Talk to you we must. It will not be easy.
I hope in us - you will still trust."


Our baby died.


I looked at them both so closely and I wanted to yell!
Could I still bring baby to school for Show and Tell?
What did this mean?
What should I do?
What about all that blue?

Thank goodness, I can count
My game of "WHy can't Baby be found?"
lasts long and includes looking all around
one two tHRee four Five SIX SEVEN
WHERE IS MY BROTHER!!!!!!!

Then someone mentioned a place called Heaven

The one who answered was my strong, broken-hearted father
He sat me on his lap holding me tightly,
"I am so sorry," he said.
"I am so mad too."
This is not a hurt deserving of you.

There's no lesson for you to learn.
No thing you did wrong.
Your brother's body stopped working
but his love we can keep
These feelings are so true and run so deep.

This is a love that can never die.
I see in you - your brother's eyes
And I hear his cry.
The feelings you have are real and are of varying sorts.
As Angels cradle Baby in heaven, we will carry him in our hearts.

You will always be a Big sister.
he will listen for you.
Some days will be very hard.
Some moments will be awful.
So let the love show through in tears
The world will watch you, your brother will hear.

and in some way he will help you with all your fears.

We will not find baby's body here.
You'll need to listen closely
He is in the giggle of a baby
And look within your heart.
and his love can never truly depart.

The sun's warmth on your cheeks.
The pride when your bat hits a ball.
That feeling of peace you don't yet understand
The intrigue you find in a hummingbird's wing speed.
These are places to look when you want to play 'Hide and Seek'."

I told daddy, "okay".
I could try it his way.
But I would much rather my brother HERE to play
Counting, looking, and hoping for so long.
It is just too hard to play with my baby brother gone.

Mom crying, Dad is suddenly silent.
No one knows what to do when a baby dies.
It is not the normal way things go.
My friends are no longer waiting at the front gate.
Why has MY baby died? - this is something I hate.

I have nightmares.

I feel empty.

I know sad.

...................and tears......so many tears...........

WHere IS my baby brother????????
How I really wish he were here!!!!!!!!!!
I miss him.
There is always at the table an empty spot.
There is always something that needs to be said that is not

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Somedays there is nothing to do but watch the clock

Slowly
I spot
a few smiles betweeen mom's sobs
Slowly
I spot
more fun between dad's jobs
Slowly
I spot
where my baby brother sits atop


Sometimes he is felt soaring in the clouds
Or through a beautiful meteor shower.
When he is near, you will feel him deeply.
He is most easily recognized when you speak his name.
On his birthday,
I blew his one candle out and in his memory played a game.
This little baby is here.
Eyes do not see him, ears do not hear him.
When you show his mom, dad, sister, brother
you remember and you care,
His presence will be known to you everywhere.

The warmth of the sun.
An eagle gliding in flight.
The gentle flow of a tear.
Bedtime giggles.
The calm of morning rituals.


Talk to him quietly.
Your heart will know how.
I applaud your compassion.
And ask you to take a bow.
I need people to help me and let me be proud.

A big sister I am.
A big sister I will always be.
In body or spirit,
There is no bigger job or higher honor
than what has been bestowed on me.

I talk to an angel
Who looks up to me
and will silently count.
Then with my heart I listen and look all around
...to find for now where my Little Angel can be found!


You may reach Mary Ellen at angeljamesus@yahoo.com for comments.


© January 2003 by Mary Ellen Mannix. This work is protected by copyright and may be distributed or published only with the express written permission from its author. You may, without permission, publish or otherwise provide the URL (web address) of this page.


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